Interview With An Artist
The art.
You can’t take a picture of this, it’s already gone.
KN: I remember how it all started. In college, you did this project called Deadly Addiction, right? Most of your friends modeled for you, and you asked them to ‘look dead’ wearing glamorous outfits. It was quite a sight! How did you come up with that idea? Or how does one come up with ideas for projects like that?
BA: I think it all started when I watched this show called Six Feet Under. There was a character there called ‘Claire’ and I resonated with her struggles and her losses, and I think I tend to resonate with fictional characters like that, cause I can count hundreds of them that profoundly shaped who I am today. But the thing that stood out to me about Claire was how close I felt to her. She was in high school, senior year, I think. She was trying to explore her life, feeling out of place, and didn’t know what she was doing. I guess I was feeling the same at the time, I felt out of place for a long time and I didn’t know what to do…her
self-exploration through art and photography made me feel like, maybe I should give this a try…that is the biggest thing I remember from how I started doing this…
KN: Surely, though, it can’t just be that one character. I mean, your project was unprecedented. It was gory but glamorous at the same time. You were in the same territory with some big names in photography, Helmut Newton and Guy Bourdin…but you didn’t know who they were…
BA: Yeah, I wasn’t aware of many photographers at the time, so I had no idea what they were doing…I was more interested in fashion than photography or art, and I wanted to express my passion for it. I remember borrowing a Canon DSLR for that project from the school, and I had no idea how to use it, haha.
But when I did the shoot with my friends, it was an incredibly euphoric experience. I felt this very consuming, intense feeling, and it hit me at that time: This is what I needed. I needed to feel that way. I had to do it again so I could feel that intense feeling, almost like a rush of blood to the head, I guess it was a form of self-exploration… I explored a part of myself that day, I think.
KN: Wow, I wish I could understand how you felt. I can understand what you mean on the paper, but feeling those feelings must be a completely different thing…
BA: Exactly, and that is why visual art is important. As a linguist and a life-long language learner, I feel like sometimes words are not enough to express certain feelings, because not everybody can use their language aesthetically, so they draw, paint, photograph, doodle, illustrate…
I have been trying to evoke the feelings I described earlier by creating art and also encouraging others to experience a version of those feelings themselves. I wish everybody could find something that speaks to them when they look at my art. That is the beauty of art, isn’t it?
KN: Right! It’s like the most beautiful way to look into someone’s mind.
BA: Now, you’re speaking my language! Yes! Think of an MRI scan of someone’s brain, you get to peek into what their brain looks like physically, that organ that has all your thoughts and lets all your feelings to wander, all your memories, your personality and yet we don’t get to see any of that in those images, not even the fMRI scans show that…what’s a better way to know the mind than an artwork? A piece of poetry?
A beautiful melody? That’s why I love art and neuroscience, haha.
KN: Right! You are doing research in Cognitive Neuroscience. How fascinating it is to combine science and art!
BA: It’s not even a combination, science is always there, art is always there, it’s just understanding things through different perspectives. I strive to understand my mind and how it functions through my academic studies and artistic work; both disciplines help me gain insight into who I am, and they both offer a glimpse into my extremely complex mind, just like everybody else.
For me, nothing beats that in life.
KN: Somehow, it is so poetic! Like having that self-awareness and that urge to understand how your mind works, including your emotions, of course. I don’t personally do that, I honestly don’t know why. I think I may be too afraid to look deeper into why I feel and act the way I do. It’s scary. Don’t you agree?
BA: It truly is. However, I don’t think you are capable of creating genuine artwork or any type of creative work if you don’t delve deeper into the depths of your mind. Our brains work in such a complex way that it takes courage, energy, and a specific type of skill to engage in what neuroscientists call metacognition —thinking about thinking, understanding where our thoughts come from.
You used the word ‘scary.’ I think that’s a powerful word to use here, but also very accurate. Metacognition is scary; it’s like trying to open up your brain and understand what the hell is happening in there. It is scary to find some parts truly dark and unexplored. Some parts are sad-looking and disappointing. I think deep inside, our brains stop us from doing this metacognition because it is also scared. It is scary to understand deeply the emotions and feelings because we are afraid we won’t be able to handle them.
In life, I have been through enough and I have built enough knowledge and experience in the form of neural pathways that I am capable of doing a deeper metacognitive insight into myself than most people. Oh yes, add “spent enough time alone” to that recipe too, because I think that’s very important.
And trust me, it in no way puts me on a different level than other people or somehow makes me more intelligent or anything. Does it help with my creativity? It does, but it is all so very personal, and I am not more intelligent or more capable than anyone else. I just do this thing for myself, by myself, and the ‘self’ is important here.
KN: Yeah, I would assume so. We need to spend a lot of time alone to achieve that. Maybe that’s why we want to find people so we can somehow run away from that reality?
BA: Exactly.
KN: This is such a raw revelation, it made me think about a lot of things about myself and where I stand on self-exploration and appreciating art. Any last advice?
BA: We are living in an age that forces us to use technology like AI or other types of machines to spoon-feed us information. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against technology, but the kind of technology that separates us from our humanity, our natural habitats, and our basic genetic make-up, that is a problematic kind of technology, and simply because we haven’t evolved for that. Our brains are not functioning on the same level in terms of natural make-up. The emotions and probabilities that our brains are capable of and also need are something machines cannot yet provide. Either they need to adapt to our ways, or we, as humans, need to adapt to them. Honestly, I don’t know which one is scarier, but I see this as the only proper integration.
Until then, use the technology as a tool, like before, not as a replacement. Our brains and bodies are still the most amazing machines, and when it comes to art and creativity, nothing beats an authentic experience. Try to make your props, go out and shoot, paint, write, use your brain, your hands, your body to create, not the machines.
And one more thing I want to add, listen to your body and your mind. You will find magic in there.
Also, feel free to ignore all this advice completely.